16 December 2012

packing, party of one

It's currently almost 1:30 in the morning and this is what my room looks like.  I started "packing" at around 5:30 or so, and by "packing" I mean I took a few things off my shelves and piled them on the floor.  I really didn't start actual packing like a normal person until a couple hours ago.  I had some things get in the way of that - their names are Procrastination, Denial, Sobbing, Paralyzation, and Pain.

Wow, that got depressing real fast.

I really don't think I've ever cried so intensely for so long before.  When you combine the amount of sobbing from goodbyes and all-consuming hurt that has happened over the past day and a half, I'm surprised I'm not shriveled up from dehydration.  Seriously.  I can't think of a time where I have cried this much, except for when we put my dog to sleep two years ago.  Every time I think of this situation and the ramifications of it, I break into a sloppy semblance of a human being.  I literally had to collapse myself onto the floor and curl up in a ball while I sobbed uncontrollably earlier, it was so bad.

Goodbye really is one of the hardest things.  It sucks.  Like, it really really sucks.  I knew it was coming, and I knew I'd have to deal with the effects of it, but I honestly had no idea it would hurt this badly, that it would be this painful.  I've had to say goodbye to this wonderful city, this beautiful school, and some truly amazing people.  And what hurts the most is knowing I won't see any of these again, at least not for a little while.  Life gets in the way, and by the time I come back here, which I will do, things will be different.  Things change, and it causes pain in my chest to know things won't be like this again.  Some things will be different.
I'm going home tomorrow,
and I just don't feel ready.
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