THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT AND I DONT KNOW WHY
As I write this, I'm sitting on a train, nearly at Glasgow, having just left London a few hours ago. Tomorrow I go back to the States.
It's different this time. Last time I left London, after studying abroad for four months, I was an absolute wreck. I was completely incapable of even holding myself upright, let alone any kind of social activity or exposure. This time, there's none of that. And honestly, it's upsetting me a little bit. I'm confused as to why I haven't broken down. Last time I was sobbing the entire 48 hours before departing from Heathrow. This time, I leave tomorrow and have yet to shed a proper tear. By all means, I should be even more of mess (if possible) this time round. I mean, I was here longer, I was here for the best reason in the world, and by all intents and purposes, I'm leaving more behind this time. And on top of that, while I do know I'll be back at some point (ideally next fall for post-grad if not sooner), it's looking like a longer period of time before returning.
So I'm at a loss. I have no clue why this time is so different. And that's not to say I'm not sad or upset at all. As this train moves forward on to Glasgow, I can see the dark clouds looking in the sky ahead, whilst looking behind us, the skies are the brightest blue, sun shining, and countryside bathed in bright light. That's an appropriate comparison to how I feel. Moving out of the sun into the clouds. It's just the lack of physical expression that's disturbing me. Where is my emotional and physical breakdown?? On the one hand I'm glad I don't have to go through that again, but on the other hand, it hardly seems like an accurate portrayal if I don't.
So colour me confused.