17 June 2013


Photo credit to my amazing photographer friend, Kelly Pfeister.

Sometimes... well, actually, a lot of the time, I think I know what I want.  Or I think I know how I want something to go.  The truth of the matter is, I'm just as clueless as anyone else.  Some things I do know.  I know that I want to work in theatre, whether stage management or a position in arts administration.  I know that I want to be permanently based in England.  Those things I know.  The rest, if you ask me what I want.. Well, don't, because even though I might think I know, and may even give an answer, I really have no clue and any answer I give is probably going to be wrong.  Because I have a hard time answering "I don't know" to life questions.

I'm a dreamer, and a planner, and an over-thinker.  I over-analyze pretty much 80% of the things that happen to or around me.  Because of these things, I often feel like I should have it all figured out.  I plan ahead in every aspect of my life, and for the parts that I really can't accurately plan, I fantasize.  Sometimes that fantasy starts to feel like an actual plan, and when it doesn't turn out, I get frustrated.  My emotions have been caught up in the idea of how things will go, and the inflexible part of me has a hard time adjusting.

This weekend, I came to a realization.  I don't regret anything I've ever done.  The things that I regret, and carry regret for to this very day, are the things I didn't do.  Opportunities I didn't realize were there, or didn't act on when I should have.  Impulses of mine, things I thought about doing, but decided against in my over-thinking of the moment are the things I regret.  I wish I had just gone for it, because what the hell?  Forgive me for using this phrase, but you only live once.  So why the hell not just do it?  If you want to, then do it!

All this boils down to one specific example.  I recently was asked what I wanted regarding a certain topic, and I gave an answer that I thought was 100% what I wanted, no question.  But now I'm afraid that I've already myself into a hole there, because the truth is, I don't know.  I won't know until I'm in the situation where I have to decide on what's in front of me.  General inquiries aren't something I can answer because I'm not in the moment and I have no freaking idea.  So here's hoping that I haven't just backed myself into a corner with no means of escape, because I don't want to miss out on an experience that I might actually want because of an answer that was the shadow of a fantasy.
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