I miss travel. I miss the adventure that comes from a break in routine. Lately, I've been feeling a little bit stuck in a rut. It feels like I'm settling down, but I'm not ready to yet. I'm still young, there is still so much more to be seen/done/experienced in life, and I don't want to settle so early. I might not even want to settle much at all. And yet, lately that's what I have come to do. Every day is the same routine. The only consistent source of change in my life is that the shows I work on as a stage manager are different every few months. But I'm still working as a stage manager, doing the same job in theatre, as well as doing the same day job at iFLY, so when people ask "what's new?", the only thing I can tell them are the details of what theatrical production I happen to be working on. The general answer is the same - "Not much." / "Just working." / "Keeping busy."
It both blows my mind and also makes me incredibly mournful when I think that just a couple of years ago I was living abroad, getting to experience new things on an almost daily basis. I was meeting new people, and traveling to new places, and doing work I love under the most liberating and surreal possible circumstances.
I miss that. I miss the experiences, I miss the places, and I miss how unconditionally happy I was. I am not leading the worst life in the world right now. I am not depressed, nor do I have it rough by any means. I have loving family, wonderful friends, I live in a great apartment in a beautiful city… But at most, I'm simply content some of the time. I have felt true, ecstatic joy and happiness, and I want to live that again.
Something needs to change. I don't know what exactly that is right away. I have ideas and dreams and goals for the future, even the near future over the next year or so. But tonight, at 12:45 in the morning*, when I should be sleeping, I had these thoughts and I just felt the need to verbalize them in some way.
So here I am, back on this blog that I haven't touched in two and a half years. The current name and design of this blog is not where I currently am in my life, so this is a little out of place for what this space used to be. But maybe, this will be something that I pick up again with new intention and with a new purpose.
*A later edit/PSA: Don't write anything important or public at 12:45am via voice speech on your phone because the spelling and grammar WILL be atrocious.